Writing Resources from Fifteen Minutes of Fiction

Meet The Producers

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our show tonight - the very first episode of the best new Reality TV show to hit the air: Meet The Producers! The show in which we select the producer of the next great Reality TV show!"

The camera panned slowly across the excited crowd while the host spoke. Then, in a quick cut, television screens across America showed the first contestant, a handsome, slick man whose smile glinted brightly and widely enough to light up Manhattan.

The host continued, "As you know, tonight's contestant, Howard P. Arbuckle, is sitting in an electrified chair, and attached to a polygraph. Any time he lies to the studio audience - and the millions tuning in throughout the world - an electric shock will be passed through his body. Each successive lie results in a higher voltage. In order to win, Howard must earn at least one million points."

The host turned to Arbuckle and said, "Are you ready, Howard?"

"Ready!" There was only a hint of trembling in his voice, and just a touch of sweat on his brow.

"First question, Howard. We're all agreed that Arbuckle is a stupid and ugly name that will result in poor ratings. Would you be willing to change your name in order to be a Reality Producer?"

Howard didn't even hesitate. "Of course!"

After a short pause, a distinctly digital voice from offstage announced: "True!"

The scoreboard on the far wall blinked bright red, then the following appeared: "Howard considers fame and fortune more important than his own identity: +500 points". The crowd cheered.

The host nodded. "Next question, Howard. Do you believe that Reality TV producers are responsible to provide meaningful, socially relevant, and morally upstanding entertainment?"

There was a bit of a pause this time, then Howard said, "Yes."

This time, as the digital voice spoke one word softly into the silence, lights went off all over the stage and sparks flew from Howard's chair.

Now Howard was really sweating.

"Okay, Howard! That's your first taste of our electric chair. Hopefully that will inspire you to tell us the truth. Now let's take a look at the scoreboard."

The camera panned to the far wall, where bright red letters displayed: "Howard thinks that Reality TV should exist in a moral vacuum:" Then, after the clock ticked off a handful of seconds, next to that statement the score appeared: "+2000 Points"

The audience cheered.

"Next question, Howard. Would you be willing to produce an evil and exploitive show like Mega Nanny, which displays young children for humiliation and ridicule in front of millions of people?"

This time Howard took several seconds before responding. "I would not do a show like that," he said at last.

"False!" the digital voice announced, and more sparks flew. Howard moaned pathetically while the scoreboard declared: "Would willingly exploit and ridicule children: +100,000 Points".

"One more question, Howard. If we could get it past the network censors, would you produce a Reality TV show in which innocent and unsuspecting people were tossed - completely unprotected - into a pool of hungry, man-eating sharks?"

Howard immediately declared, "Of course not!"

After the paramedics restarted Howard's heart and he regained consciousness, he looked at the scoreboard, and saw that it read: "Howard would kill innocent people for good ratings: +900,000"

Howard jumped from his seat in excitement, ripping the wires from his head, chest, and arm. "I won!" he exclaimed again and again, "I won! I won!"

The audience laughed, and the host shook his head. "I'm sorry, Howard, you lost."

Howard stopped chanting and stared about him, noticing for the first time that the audience was pointing and laughing and mocking him unmercifully. "What do you mean, I lost? I earned a million points!"

"Yes, Howard, that's true. But you lied three times."

"So?"

"To be a Reality TV Producer, it's not enough to be sadistic; you have to be a shameless sadist."

Mortified, Howard stomped away, accompanied by the jeers and the catcalls of the studio audience.

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