Writing Resources from Fifteen Minutes of Fiction

ACLU Goes after Santa Claus

Dear Mr. Claus,

We understand that your toy factory at the north pole is protected by "elf-magic". Very pagan of you.

Not that we are opposed to paganism; we at the ACLU encourage the free expression of all belief systems, and that does include the belief in faeries and elves and such. On a personal level, I admire you for your willingness to "think outside the box" of traditional religious perspectives.

This brings me to the issue at hand. At the ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union) our mandate is to ensure that "all religious beliefs should be treated equally and fairly" and that no set of religious beliefs be supported and promoted above another.

We have put together an exploratory council to consider the following question: Is it appropriate for Santa Claus to openly and blatantly support one religious holiday over others by the widespread distribution of gifts on the Christian holiday of Christmas?

Our initial findings and recommendations are as follows: Whereas the United States Postal Service is a semi-independent federal agency within the United States Government, and whereas the United States Postal Services assists Santa Claus through the misdirection/redirection of letters to Santa Claus to local charities, it is the conclusion of this council that United States government supports the work of Santa Claus, and therefore, indirectly, supports and promotes the Christian religious holiday known as Christmas.

You will be receiving a cease and desist order preventing you from promoting this holiday until the courts can create a rotation schedule of religious holidays for you to use from year to year.

Happy Holidays,
Xavier K. Williams
American Civil Liberties Union



Dear Mr. Williams,

First, let me say, I am not a pagan. For your information, until I got into the toy business back in the 4th century, I was known as Nicholas, Bishop of Myra (that's in present day Turkey, in case you didn't know). What religious holidays I choose to celebrate is my business, and if you try to force me into celebrating other religous holidays, you will have a war on your hands that you don't want to deal with. Trust me.

Second, I take no responsibility for the United States Postal Service misdirecting letters sent to me. I have never asked them to commit such a nefarious crime. So if you want to go after someone, go after your own government, not me.

Third, I have to say, you ignorant, arrogant Americans are all alike - I don't know what possesses you to think that I, up here at the North Pole, am in any way subject to your employment laws, safety and health regulations, building and fire codes, or other agency foolishness.

Last time I checked, I was not a citizen of your strange little country.

Merry Christmas,
Bishop Nicholas
Claus Enterprises, CEO

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