Writing Resources from Fifteen Minutes of Fiction

Suing Santa Claus

Dear Mr. Claus,

My name is J. M. Shrew of Loveless, Hateful & Shrew. I represent Mr. James Woodrill, who applied for a position in your toy factory on Sept 17, 2007. Mr. Woodrill's application was rejected on the grounds that Mr. Woodrill is not an elf, and is therefore unemployable by you.

Mr. Woodrill will be suing Claus Enterprises for racial discrimination. Mr. Woodrill will be seeking damages in the amount of $1,000,000.

Warm Regards,
J. M. Shrew
Loveless, Hateful & Shrew



Dear Mr. Shrew,

I regret to inform you that Mr. Woodrill has misrepresented the situation. We did, in fact, receive an application from Mr. Woodrill to work in our Toy Factory. However, we never told Mr. Woodrill he could not work in the toy factory because he is not an elf. What we told him is that the toy factory is only four feet tall, and therefore only elves can fit through the door. We assured Mr. Woodrill that we do have employment opportunities for people who are taller than 4 feet. These include security work, snow removal, and maintenance.

If Mr. Woodrill is interested in filling out an application for one of these positions, we would be happy to consider him.

Merry Christmas,
Old Saint Nick, CEO
Claus Enterprises

Santa's OSHA Troubles

Dear Mr. Claus,

My name is Stan Dard, and I am an OSHA (Occupational Safety & Health Administration) inspector. We recently received an anonymous tip regarding the working conditions at your Toy Factory. According to our anonymous source, the doors in your North Pole facility are only four feet tall.

Unfortunately, this violates our design and construction requirements for exit routes. According to our policies, all exit routes must include a door which is 7 feet six inches (2.3 meters) tall and 28 inches (71.1 centimeters) wide.

We believe your facility is in violation of these requirements. Accordingly, I will be on the next North Pole Express flight, to visit your factory.

Sincerely,
Stan Dard
OSHA Inspector



Dear Mr. Dard,

Thank you for your kind letter. I have been reviewing OSHA standards, and have discovered something which deeply troubles me. According to your regulations, stairway handrails must be at least 36 inches above the tread of the stairs.

My elves would never be able to reach a railing that high.

These building and construction regulations appear to be discriminatory toward my elves, and my lawyers will be in touch with you soon.

Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
Claus Enterprises CEO

Fire Marshall Contacts Santa Claus

Dear Mr. Claus,

I have been a huge fan of yours for many years - ever since I got that bicycle I wanted when I was seven years old. As someone who is a fan, it gives me no pleasure to inform you that, in my capacity as a fire marshall, I have been notified by OSHA that your toy factory may not conform to building and fire codes.

I suspect (knowing those OSHA folks as I do) that they reported this to me as a way of getting even with you for something...maybe you didn't give them bicycles when they were kids? At any rate, much as I hate this, since I have received a report of non-compliance, I do need to investigate it.

I will be bicycling north the day after tomorrow in order to do an on-site inspection of your facilities.

Regards,
Smokey Bhaer
Fire Marshall

PS - I surely would love to have a motorcycle to drive back home!



Dear Mr. Bhaer,

I am pleased you liked the bicycle so much (and are still using it so many years later!) Please be careful of the snow drifts you'll hit; once you get to northern Canada you won't believe how deep the snow gets!

There are two things I need to make you aware of.

First, we have no fire exits, no sprinklers, no fire alarms, or any of the other things you'll be looking for on your visit. My toy factory is protected by elf-magic, so we have no need of such things.

Second, regarding your PS, I would like to point out to you how inappropriate it is for an inspector to be asking for gifts from an inspectee. Some might construe this as an invitation to bribery. I will be keeping your original letter on file - just for "safe keeping", of course.

Merry Christmas!
Kris Kringle
Claus Enterprises, CEO

ACLU Goes after Santa Claus

Dear Mr. Claus,

We understand that your toy factory at the north pole is protected by "elf-magic". Very pagan of you.

Not that we are opposed to paganism; we at the ACLU encourage the free expression of all belief systems, and that does include the belief in faeries and elves and such. On a personal level, I admire you for your willingness to "think outside the box" of traditional religious perspectives.

This brings me to the issue at hand. At the ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union) our mandate is to ensure that "all religious beliefs should be treated equally and fairly" and that no set of religious beliefs be supported and promoted above another.

We have put together an exploratory council to consider the following question: Is it appropriate for Santa Claus to openly and blatantly support one religious holiday over others by the widespread distribution of gifts on the Christian holiday of Christmas?

Our initial findings and recommendations are as follows: Whereas the United States Postal Service is a semi-independent federal agency within the United States Government, and whereas the United States Postal Services assists Santa Claus through the misdirection/redirection of letters to Santa Claus to local charities, it is the conclusion of this council that United States government supports the work of Santa Claus, and therefore, indirectly, supports and promotes the Christian religious holiday known as Christmas.

You will be receiving a cease and desist order preventing you from promoting this holiday until the courts can create a rotation schedule of religious holidays for you to use from year to year.

Happy Holidays,
Xavier K. Williams
American Civil Liberties Union



Dear Mr. Williams,

First, let me say, I am not a pagan. For your information, until I got into the toy business back in the 4th century, I was known as Nicholas, Bishop of Myra (that's in present day Turkey, in case you didn't know). What religious holidays I choose to celebrate is my business, and if you try to force me into celebrating other religous holidays, you will have a war on your hands that you don't want to deal with. Trust me.

Second, I take no responsibility for the United States Postal Service misdirecting letters sent to me. I have never asked them to commit such a nefarious crime. So if you want to go after someone, go after your own government, not me.

Third, I have to say, you ignorant, arrogant Americans are all alike - I don't know what possesses you to think that I, up here at the North Pole, am in any way subject to your employment laws, safety and health regulations, building and fire codes, or other agency foolishness.

Last time I checked, I was not a citizen of your strange little country.

Merry Christmas,
Bishop Nicholas
Claus Enterprises, CEO

Class Action Suit against Santa Claus

Dear Mr. Claus,

Thank you for your reply to my previous letter; you were quite correct that my client, Mr. James Woodrill, was not giving me an accurate portrayal of events leading up to and including your refusal of employment.

Mr. Woodrill is no longer my client.

I am contacting you now because I am filing a class action suit against Claus Enterprises. Members of my class action suit include every citizen of the United States of America. You are being sued on two counts of slander, including referring to my clients collectively as both "ignorant" and "arrogant". This kind of vicious slander cannot be perpetrated without repercussions.

In addition, I also represent the United States government which is bringing suit against you for unlawful entry into our country. By your own admission, you are not a citizen of this great country, yet you repeatedly pass within the borders of our nation with neither passport nor visa. You are considered to be a grave security risk and persona non grata.

Regards,
J. M. Shrew
Loveless, Hateful & Shrew



Dear Mr. Shrew,

That's it! I've had it! I am fed up to here with your country's bereaucratic nonsense and constant lawsuits! Every last citizen of your ridiculous nation has been added to my naughty list. And government officials have been added twice!

Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
Claus Enterprises CEO




Top Secret Memorandum
From: N. R. Graham (A.K.A. J. M. Shrew)
To: James Woodrill, Stan Dard, Smokey Bhaer, Xavier K. Williams
Re: Operation Christmas Stocking

My congratulations to each one who participated in this year's Top Secret Operation Christmas Stocking. Through the collective hard work and determination of each of our agents, we have once again brought the operation to a successful conclusion. Attached you will find a facimile of Mr. Claus' final response to me. Please note the concluding line of his letter: Every last citizen of your ridiculous nation has been added to my naughty list. And government officials have been added twice!

Once again our national energy crisis has been averted; it's time to hang the Christmas stockings and power up those old coal burning plants again!

With warm regards,
N.R.G.
Operation Christmas Stocking

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